I recently went shopping for my first gun and was shocked to learn how difficult the process was. Social media has been telling me for years that buying a gun in the U.S. is far too easy, but I learned that is not actually the case. Don’t get me wrong, the issue wasn’t overly strict gun laws. In fact, I had a gentleman from my local gun store guarantee he’d get me a gun before he even knew my name. No, the process was so difficult because there were too many choices!

This was my first real encounter with the gun community, and I must say, they have been overwhelmingly receptive. Gun owners are warm, friendly, and positive folks, who just so happen to be ready to protect what they love with deadly force. They’re motherly like that. One thing I’ve noticed is that gun people don’t discriminate on who should have guns. Some seem like they may discriminate on other things, but on gun ownership they are all about equality. They truly want everyone to have guns. They don’t care if you’re white, black, straight, gay, emotionally unstable, or Asian; they think you should have a gun! But therein lies my problem. I was trying to sort through a endless sea of guns to find the right fit, but the reviews and testimonials from gun owners were no help. It is seemingly impossible to write a bad review of a gun! I imagine it’s like trying to write a bad review for a blowjob. “Little too much kickback, misfired a bit, but over all I give the experience a 5 out of 5.” And even better than blowjobs, guns are actually easy to get! I presume there are certain gun experiences where the people involved might not want to leave a 5-star review, but those people probably don’t always have the ability to post online.

Nevertheless, I endured the pain staking process of reading through countless glowing gun reviews and finally I found her. The Beretta A300 Outlander 12-gauge automatic shotgun. I was exactly like Ralphie looking up at the official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle in A Christmas Story. Except in this scenario the gun could put out more than just an eye, and there were less people trying to stop me from getting my gun.

To be fair, the process wasn’t without it’s gates and there is some level of gun control in place. First, they had to verify that I didn’t have any active warrants out for my arrest. I assumed I didn’t but I have been playing a lot of Grand Theft Auto lately so it never hurts to check (pro-tip, if you’re not sure about your real life wanted level but don’t want to alert the police, just try to buy a gun!). Next, they had to do a more thorough background check on me. I’m glad this process exists as I think its a nice compromise on gun rights debates. On one side, we ensure we’re making an attempt to keep dangerous weapons from dangerous people so the gun control activists are happy. Meanwhile, the NRA folks are happy because prospective buyers are allowed to take the gun home with them while the background check is being conducted. Then if the check reveals that the person is a reckless maniac, all we have to do is kindly ask for the gun back. Bureaucracy saves the day again!

Lucky for me, I’m a pro at hiding my red flags so I was cleared to keep my new toy firearm! Yet, even as I completed the purchase for my mid-May Christmas present, I wasn’t entirely sure why I wanted it. You may think I was motivated by fear over the global pandemic, but as far as I can tell, you can’t shoot the virus away (though that would probably make shelter in place a lot easier to enforce). No, I think this has more to do with my age.

Have you ever had someone ask you to guess their age? Usually the best thing to do in this situation is just walk away and never answer the person. I mean seriously, guess their age? What does this person think you’re a goddamn sideshow act at the carnival? However, if for some reason you cannot leave this person, like if you’re meeting the in-laws, training a new coworker, or hopefully just trapped in Saw style torture dungeon, then there’s one perfect response: 27. No one has ever been offended by someone thinking they’re 27. Any one older than 27 will think they still look young, and anyone under 27 will think they seem mature. Even if they’re clearly a child or an elderly person, this answer plays as a light-hearted joke. Boom, works every time. Then you got to just focus on sawing off your leg so you can get away from this loser.

I bring this up because I’m 27 years old right now, and I definitely feel like I’m at a turning point in my life. It’s as if I’m realizing that everyday I will be less attractive than I was the day before. Sure, the daily difference will be negligible, and there’s still the off-chance I’ve got some Paul Rudd gene in me that will keep fresh forever like than that guy’s hand in Zoolander, but overtime I’ll probably look back at this point and realize this was the best I ever had it. Behind me are the days of looking forward, and ahead of me are the days of looking back. That may sound depressing but don’t worry, I’m not planning on joining the 27-Club (my discography’s not on par yet).

So maybe me buying a gun is just an exercise in quarter life crisis. Not necessarily that I’m reaching a panic (even though, since time is relative, might a quarter life crisis really be closer to a midlife crisis? Like the upcoming ten years to a 10 year old feels like doubling their life, but those same 10 years to an 80 year old only feels like 12.5% of their life), it’s more that I’m learning not to care. A few years ago I would have never even considered buying a gun. At that time I thought it a stance of moral righteousness, as if not owning a gun made me a better person. But I guess I eventually realized one thing that changed my mind above all else…. I finally had enough money to buy a gun!

It’s fascinating, as a broke college student I felt we really needed to clamp down on gun control. A few years of work (one stimulus check) later, and I’m realizing I was as closeted 2nd amendment activist this whole time! Who knows, maybe I’ll win the lottery one day and realize that when our fore-fathers said we should have the “right to bear arms”, they were talking about personal guns and personal tanks!

Even though I wasn’t politically motivated to buy gun, the ordeal did remind me of that timeless saying “if you’re not a liberal when you’re young, you have no heart, but if you’re not a conservative when you’re older, you have no brain“. Maybe it turns out that transition might have less to do with age and more to do with income. Just take a look at me at this mythical cross road age of 27. Do I have a heart or a brain? Honestly, I’m not quite sure I have either of those… but at least I have a gun!